You know, every single woman I have photographed here at Red Shoe has told me how utterly nervous they are before the shoot.
My reply would always be: This is completely normal…
And it is, if I had a penny for every message received questioning why the actual lord they were doing this to themselves… well I think I’d be on my own private beach now.
But you know.. bills to pay and hands to hold.
I mean I got it, but obviously I didn’t. I saw this beautiful incredible woman… every single woman, every one beautiful. What has she got to be nervous about?
In steps the universe with a much needed lesson…
Gary Hill (incredible photographer and friend) after seeing my self portraits asked if I would model for him..
Of course I said yes. I trust Gary completely to photograph me well… plus I had this incredibly personal shoot planned that I knew Gary would photograph honestly and beautifully.
This shoot was about my grief. It was about becoming a widow at 39….it was about how the world viewed me and how I viewed myself.
I wore the dress and shoes I had worn at Richs funeral. I wore his grey hoodie which I lived in after he passed…I wore his favourite white shirt and rosary beads which he placed around the house before he passed. I wore nothing but underwear because I needed to still feel like I was a woman… like a was still this feminine creature.
Im not sure if that makes sense. But it’s my truth.
And guess what..? I was so nervous I was actually shaking!!! Me?? I’ve been doing all these self portraits… I’m a photographer for gods sake… and there I stood shaking.
Gary: “if you was your client right now what would you be saying to her?”
Me: “You are beautiful… now get you head out of your arse and let me show you”
OK… I would never have been that harsh! I would have been beautiful about it. Offered her a cup of tea… talked through her fears. But I guess we don’t talk to ourselves as kindly as we talk to others.
I thought as to the why I was so nervous for a while after the shoot..and my conclusion is this…
I felt vulnerable. I felt utterly seen. And I was scared at what I would see.. would I like it? Was my internal dialogue right all along?
And when I saw the images… obviously I loved them! These images mean more to me than most will know. They will be images to remind me that despite it all. I’m still standing. I’m not the victim, I’m not going to sit and wonder why this happened. I’m the survivor. I move forward with Rich. With his love. With the beautiful time we had together. I’m going to miss Rich forever.
But I cant lose me too.
