Two years today my beautiful man. Although time passing and dates feel less relevant than before. No amount of time changes the pain of losing you Rich. We talk about you often... you are very much apart of our lives and I hope we make you proud.
I wrote this on the 15th October 2017, and although my life and the girls lives have carried on when Richs did not... the series of firsts and lasts continues. They continue because of love. The pain and grief is like an old friend.... today is the 2nd anniversary of losing a man that was by far too big and beautiful for this world ❤️
Without you my love my life is now a series of firsts and lasts.
The first time I heard the news.
The first tears that wouldn't stop.
The first time numbness came in.
Thinking about the last time I saw you.
The last time we talked.
The last time I said “I love you”
The first time I had a shower and you were not there.
The first time I removed my nail varnish that I applied with you near.
The first time I stripped the bed, one of the toughest things I have ever had to do... that my darling broke me.
The first time I drove the roads we would travel together to your mums.
Thinking about the last time and you were there with me.
The 1st meal I cooked and no plate for you.
You always cooked anyway... the last bags of food in the freezer that you made so we ate well, are still frozen as I can't bear to know it will be the last time I taste your food.
The 1st wedding enquiry, talking about how happy they are.
The last time we talked of marriage, you said let's do it soon... I replied don't even joke, I would do it tomorrow.
The first time I had wished more than anything that we had....we had done our vows.
The 1st time I managed to sleep... the sofa is my new bed, being in our bed without you is too much.
The 1st morning I woke, and for a second had forgotten what has happened, the last time it hit is worse than the 1st.
The 1st time I put the bins out, a job you insisted was yours.
The last time I held you.
The last time I kissed you.
The pint of milk that you brought went off... pouring that away hurt.
The 1st kilo dropping from the scales... and then the second, then the third. Food does not feed this. One thing feeling the grief, the 1st time you see it reflected back at yourself is another.
The 1st time the girls found out, the last time they asked about you, over and over.
The last time I brought clothes for you was for the last time you would be dressed. The cashier was talking about the weather. It was raining that day.
The 1st time I saw you afterwards... looking peaceful and asleep. I didn't want to leave you.
Was the last time I could stroke your hair, hold your hand...
Was the first time I knew that you were in fact gone... that this was real.
I wore the same clothes on the day that we met for the last time I would be near you.
The first time I asked into an empty room “are you here? Can you hear me? I love you” Is asked as desperately as the the last time I asked...
You would say to me my life does not work without you.... my darling man, my world has stopped without you. I shall love you for all of time... I hope where you are now time is irrelevant, I hope you are waiting for me... I hope you are at peace my love... I hope that all the love that comes from the many beautiful friends, your family... and me... is wrapping around you... I hope you are feeling it right to your core. You are loved, you will always be loved...
I love you, and each and every first and last is there because of my love for you ❤️